Dave Docker, our IT cum cloud manager, has been documenting the highs and lows of his journey into the cloud. Here’s a round-up of his story so far…
Cloud Manager’s Diary Day 1
In episode one Dave Docker was an IT man who was still trying to get used to his new responsibility as a cloud manager. His diary begins as Dave returns from his local hospital’s Accident and Emergency department.
I’m so glad some of the computers work in the National Health Service, writes Dave. They scanned my head with an MRI machine. Brain is still there, despite the shock of numerous Facepalm incidents.
Am honoured that they’re naming a condition after me! A consistent pattern of bruising and lesions has been dubbed Repetitive Facepalm injury, which is common with stressed IT managers suffering from Dave Docker Syndrome.
A big data study would tell you that Repetitive Facepalm Injury is linked to the IT manager’s Usability Paradox, which says that the harder an IT manager works to make things easy for their users, the more likely they are to be taken for granted.
Am starting to realise that IT managers, like the cloud, are burstable. But not in a good way!
A meeting with HR doesn’t prove to be any comfort. Why can’t they be likes sales meetings, where nobody listens and you can give your brain a rest?
Day 2 sees some good news reported back from the hospital. Dave’s been immortalised in a report The Increasing Incidence of Facepalm Related Hospital Admissions Of Cloud Managers.
Apparently, I lose 300,000 brain cells each time my palm hits my cranium, writes Dave. And when you’re managing in the cloud there are Facepalm interfaces every day. The human cost is lost sleep, lost brain cells, high stress.
But more importantly how much is this costing the company? Talking of which, the head of marketing has just bought hundreds of ‘virtual packages’ on the cloud. Nobody knows how much this is going to cost or even how it’s going to be charged because ‘we really don’t have time to read software licensing agreements.’ Must fight the facepalm urge.
Day 3 Dave discovers he suffers from Finance Director Phobia (FDP)
Maybe it was the FDP but I took a leap of faith and taught a Finance staff member, Pushy Pete from Bought Ledger, how to set up a virtual machine. Now he can do this any time he likes. “Trust me,” says Peter, “I will use this responsibly.”
I search Twitter for an inspiring quote. Today’s is from Nietzsche: “When all you have is a hammer, everything begins to look like nail.” Hang on, are the Gods of decision making trying to warn me about something? But what?
Update: Just learned my new protégé created 5000 software licenses. Can you guess who is paying?
Day 4: The day of the Dropbox disaster.
Dropbox seems to be living up to its name. I dropped my lunch box as I saw an angry torch bearing mob of global villagers heading for my office. They want something to be done about the monster I created. The Dropbox Monster that is, which is now threatening everyone’s security. The same one they all welcomed in.
I’ve learned a valuable lesson about Selective Parent Syndrome. Good ideas have many parents, but mistakes are always orphans.
Day 5 Angry Mob 2
Another angry mob has destroyed our servers with pick axe handles. At least I think that’s what happened. The bottom line is, we had to recycle our out-of-date kit and moved to cloud central.
We are now telling users to kiss our aaS (in the as a service kind of way) because everything is going on the cloud. Even disaster recovery. Our data centre provider said the atmospheric conditions are perfect for shipping to the cloud, but slow load pages times are being reported in Dogger and Byte.
Meanwhile, someone has created a spoof profile for me on CIO Mismanagement Anonymous…Must try and make time to find out who this is.
DAY 6: Quiet Reflection
Today I came to the realisation that the best CIOs are a bit like referees. The best are the ones you don’t notice, because they keep the game flowing.
If people are talking about you, rather than the game, it’s not good news. It probably means you got in the way of the natural rhythms of the teamwork and kept interrupting with fussy officialdom. Mind you, going over the top with a software purchase is still a red card offence, I don’t care what anyone says.
DAY 7 Virtual Basket Case
Today the alarm bells started to go off. Management’s alarm bells. Those false positives about my faulty thought processes turned out to correct after all. I’m becoming a Virtual basket case. It was the Post Dropbox fiasco stress that caused me to “ramp up”. I’m afraid my mental elasticity snapped, I got emotionally charged and went medieval all over some user’s aaS. I’m displaying all the symptoms of going ‘hybrid’ (becoming half man, half desk).
Day 8: Diary of a Automated Cloud Manager
Meet Artie, the artificially intelligent Manager Bot (ManBot) who took over as cloud manager, in a temporary experiment which the Board was keen on.
There was nothing sinister or underhand about this, writes Artie, the board told me. I’m sure Dave will find those words reassuring.
Is there something sinister and underhand going on?
Am starting to have a lot of sympathy for Dave already, says Artie. As a ManBot I have a very dark sense of humour. You need it in this job as I have some bitter rivals, especially some so-called intelligent software – out there on the cloud. Let’s see where this ends.
Catch up on Dave’s life here.