Cloud Facepalm: A message from your CIO from the new edge of...

Cloud Facepalm: A message from your CIO from the new edge of the cloud

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A very good morning to you employees, in my role as CIO I’d like to welcome you to our new IT services network driven by what we call ‘cloud computing’.

Actually, I like to call it ‘dark ‘n’ stormy überpower’ as I think that sounds energy-charged and enigmatic, but apparently the term is already being trademarked by both a cocktail manufacturer and maker of men’s support underwear.

Anyway then… as some of you will already know, this weekend a few of the board (and most of the members of my fishing club) set about destroying our old network servers with pickaxes and flamethrowers.

We have now recycled our out-of-date kit and moved to cloud central.

Don’t panic!

If you failed to save your work last Friday night, then please don’t worry. We think we have undertaken enough backup and Disaster Recovery-as-a-Service options to ensure that all your data is still in safe hands.

On that point, yes okay there are likely to be a few niggles. I would like to assure Emily and Chip in frontline sales that we are doing everything we can to remove their customer spreadsheets from The Weather Channel’s homepage as soon as possible.

Global (server) warming

Speaking of weather, we do anticipate a few data migration delays this week due to the inclement incoming north easterlies.

Our datacentre provider assures that that pushing data up to the cloud will not normally be affected by rain, fog, humidity or a high degree of precipitation – however users are warned to expect slow page load times as a result of El Niño later this month.

I know I have encouraged a lot of you to think outside the box as often as possible. Now that our entire IT network is indeed outside any box that we have sight of, I’d like you to take that as business inspiration and act day-to-day with a more preparedness for a certain unpredictability.

I mean, I think it’ll be fun, right?

Personal touches

While we spend time over the coming days putting up some security firewalls, multi-tenant separators and data access policy controls I would ask you to respect your co-worker’s privacy. Just because you can access anybody else’s emails, documents and indeed personal smartphone picture library, it doesn’t mean you should, okay?

Ask yourself, how would you like your holiday bikini (or mankini) pictures posted on Pinterest this weekend? Right, you probably wouldn’t. So whoever thinks it’s funny to have created a profile for me on CIO Mismanagement Anonymous… well you can just take that down now please.

What is cloud anyway?

So in closing, if anyone has any questions about what cloud computing is or how our new IT platform is going to work… I’ll try and put it in terms that your grandmother could understand.

It’s sort of like all our departments and all our job functions now have their own computer servers living in a box in the big shiny cloud datacentre. I know you’ve all spent years working to act like helpful individuals and make sure we have integration between sales, communications, administration and finance, but now all of those functions exist in what we call a Virtual Machine (VM).

We’re all going to have to get used to our new virtual existences and I will be handing our Virtual Reality headsets when they become available so that you’ll be able to look at your work again.

Any questions? My door is always open. Open that is, unless I am on the phone to unstable central American island nation where our datacentre is housed trying to fix the network outage. Good luck everybody, let’s pray for good weather and silver linings!

IT Manager at Hapless Plc. I was headhunted here on the back of my experience in IT project management at SUIL. Hapless has over 700 employees, with an array of IT requirements; from admin heavy users through to data heavy designers. The company is very tech focused, with senior staff liking to stay abreast of the latest IT trends; currently being asked a lot about "Flash" ;-) GIVE ME STRENGTH! I report to the IT director. I am enjoying the larger environment and increased responsibility. Looking forward to the next project!